One kind.

Call you up for meet-ups, text you almost every single day, ask you out to have fun blah blah blah.
These are only for the SINGLE period.

Once that period's up, sorry, you're expired.

Like one of those rotten, worm infested expired food,
I'm being chuck aside again and again and again.

Not even ONE single text message to ask how am I doing.

GRR.

I'm just a companion when they have no one else to turn to.
How great.
WOOHOO.


GOODNIGHT.
Or rather,
GOOD MORNING UGLY WORLD.

Sighs.

A Full Life

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous 'yes.

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively
filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else---the small stuff. 'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

'Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Spend time with your children and grandchildren. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner.

Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented. The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.'

The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.

I can't tell what exactly went wrong.
Maybe it's just a short span interest,
or maybe it's just a slight infatuation.


"Sounds like you're not willing to meet me, never mind then." -

I complain when she wants me to meet her with her friends;
Ironically, i refuse to meet her when she wants to meet me alone.

Maybe both of us are losing interest already.
Or maybe, she's just not the right one.
Or maybe maybe, it's just me.

Confidence level hits the trough again.
The same old problem, and the doc says its getting worse. Fuck.

Promises made are meant to be broken.
Heh.

I'm seriously not my usual self.
And i don't know what's the fucking problem with me.
I actually screwed up my whole presentation by NOT knowing what the fuck i was talking about.
Till now, i only remembered myself saying, Increase in food prices doesn't affect Singapore because Singapore is more exposed to a wider variety of choices.
What the hell.
Does that sentence even make sense?

Fuck that. I just don't feel like complaining over there, but i hope she still see this anyway.
OKAY LA. MAYBE NOT, BUT I STILL WANT TO COMPLAIN, AND I'M NOT GONNA LOCK THIS. HA HA HA. SAY I'M DARING PLEASE.
I HATE BEING IN THE SAME GROUP AS YOU.
I HATE BEING IN THE SAME CLIQUE AS YOU.
I HATE BEING HAVING TO SIT NEXT TO YOU, BECAUSE I HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE.
I HATE IT WHEN YOU TRIED TO ACT AS IF YOU'RE THE INNOCENT PARTY (FUCK THAT. I DON'T GIVE A DAMN TO OLD PEOPLE.)
SO WHAT IF I'M ALREADY 21. YOU'RE FUCKING 24 THIS YEAR.

"Oh, this one i write one. That one i write one. *points points points* "   (Pardon the "one" here "one" there, thats HER language.)
wl: "Why not you just present the whole damn thing by yourself? Since everything also you do ONE." (I was trying to be nice and talk in her way so that she could understand me BETTER.)
And she shut up. Wtf. So i'm playing the bad guy role again when she's disturbing my allocation of slides to present.

After allocation,
BITCH SAYS, " Oh, this one not i do one. How to say? I don't know anything about this one leh."
Of course right. That part's written by YOURS TRULY.
But i didn't care. FUCK THAT. I was already struggling with what i had. (Leftovers, which i don't even understand)

I fucking hate the feeling of being laughed at in class.
Ms-getting-married shouted, "Haha wenli! You don't even know what you're talking about la!"
Very helpful. Thank you. And that was in the midst of my long awkward pause when i don't know how to continue because my slides don't tally.

And i realized i haven't been doing much tutorials since school reopened, maybe less than 5. Or maybe more. I forgot.
Its been long since i touched my examination pad anyway.
It doesn't feel right when i don't even know where to flip to find answers. Yes, i don't even know which lesson are we at.

To top it all up, my damn admin card broke into 2. Time for a new replacement, and meanwhile, i can't skip any lectures. Boo.


P.s : My mood's pretty good after ranting. HAHA. And my itunes is playing my favourite song on repeat mode. LALALA.

Alright.
Well, my birthday's not even here yet and i feel that its over alr.
Boos to the HOO! My whole body is aching with a bad flu to top it up. And i have tons of assignments to complete and tests to study.

Enough of nonsense. I've had enough.

I was supposed to be out, happily today.
To catch 2 movies and to send a friend off.
Yea, that totally ruined my plan, my day and me.

Thanks so much for slapping the truth into my face and telling me not to live in self denial anymore because you wont give anything a damn anymore. (Alright, she didn't say all that in this manner, i distorted it.)
But she was straight forward enough, great.
Enough to crush me, enough to make my heart feels dead, enough to make me feel stupid, and of course, enough to make me dislike Jillian MORE. (Hate is a very strong word, i REALLY REALLY REALLY DO DISLIKE HER.)

Thinking back, all those things J said (let's use an initial, because i might throw up halfway due to utter disgust.), EW.
And to think that she even treats J as her BEST friend. Oh god. A friend who tried so hard to break you and your gf up, a friend who tried so hard to pull the distance further when the breakup was ugly enough alr. Yea, good friend indeed.
"Oh, wenli keeps msging me. She's soooooo irritating." - YA RIGHT. Why would i even be interested to msg you in the first place when all i care about was sw? You're the one who tries to feed me with information about sw, and made it SEEMED as if i'm asking. GET A LIFE PLEASE.
However, i do believe what comes around goes around. So, i believe karma will work its way to J. (I HOPE IT DOES.) And i seriously do believe that she's totally jealous of sw. (For god knows why.)
Damn, she actually managed to screw up my life while appearing to be nice to me on the surface. Kudos to her, WOO!
And guess what, she appeared to be on sw's side too. WOO!

And sw actually said J did play a part in her decision. Thanks, really, thanks.

Feeling stupid is enough to bring someone to move a step further to the path of adapting to her new singlehood life.
Woo.
Congratulate me please. I'm finally gonna move on. Maybe she's just not for me after all.
So much for doing all those silly things i've never did in my entire life. (So far.)
Making me realize that there are times when we really have to let go. And there's no point holding on to something which is not there anymore, and that those promises she made was in the sparkle of that relationship.
And i thank her for those good memories she gave, and also, to have even attempted to love me once. That's good enough.
I'm tired of trying, and i know that i've tried hard enough.
Cheer for me please, as i move on. I'll need supporters along the way. And according to amanda, i've to keep looking forward in order to not fall back again. SUPPORTERS! ARE YOU READY?
(:

Gone. We've broke up. Everything ended.
Hurray. Cheers to her, for those lousy explanations, for those unreasonable reasons, for forcing me to accept what she think.

She initiated the break up after thinking for 3 whole weeks, alone.
All the thinkings and conclusion, she took it all, and expect me to accept everything.
Of course, i did accept them silently.
Because i was in too shock a state to defend myself, or rather, to explain.

At least i still appeared strong in front of her, i didn't cry. I didn't even tear. I smiled and waved goodbye.
It's torturing and my heart sank totally when i look at her back view as she walked away from me, silently.
Still, i did not cry. Because i see no point, and i was too tired to.
Everything was expected, and I've cried enough, enough to fill a full tank of fuel for a 34782741km drive.

I could sense that little bit of sadness in her eyes when i passed her the 100 saga seeds that were meant for our 100th day. The initial plan of mine was to "forget" all about our 3rd month anniversary and to pass her those seeds on the 24th, and shout out loud, "HAPPY 100th DAY! Look forward to the 200th!"
Well, no more 100th day, that was the 87th day.
I look at her in the eye as i passed the box of seeds to her, "There, take it, there are 100 seeds inside. It was suppose to be for the 100th day. But you can take out 13, because today's the 87th day."
Looking down at the box, she said, "No its okay, i'll keep all 100."
There was a little candy cane inside. I was suppose to say, "The candy cane is suppose to replace me. For you said i could be your candy cane that Christmas, and now, i'm no longer here........ blah blah blah"
I didn't. It's not because i've forgotten. Words just got stuck there.

To sum it up, reasons she gave for the separation was:
1. I need too much attention.
2. I rely on her too much.
3. She thinks i'm sensitive and paranoid and she got tired of keeping things from me.
4. I need to be taken care of, rather than being able to take care of someone.
5. I'm weak. I'm not strong-willed. I'm not determined to get what i want, my aim gets distorted easily whenever i get distracted.
6. I've changed. She likes the old wenli.

Something like that, i couldn't remember the rest. I used to listen to her so attentively, but i just couldn't concentrate that day.
The best part. She asked if i have anything to say, i shook my head in silence.

Why? I don't know either. I don't know what to say at that point of time, too shock, like what i have said.

After much crying, i was too tired to even move. I just laid on my bed and think.
I thought about what she said, and the rational me came up with explanations for everything.

1. I don't need that much attention do i? At least, i don't think so. Because i'm not the one who would call and ask where she is, who she's with, and what she's doing. No, i don't do that. I could live without msging her one day. And i don't call like how she did, to ask why is there no reply. She probably had that thinking long ago. And tried to prove herself right by ignoring me for 3 whole weeks. By ignoring, and giving me cold shoulders, i would certainly contact her whenever i can, to make sure the relationship don't turn cold, isn't it. And i assume, that's what she did, to prove herself right. I need ALOT of attention, which seriously, i don't.

2. Relying on her too much. That defer matter. I have the answer in my head already. I only need to rant to someone. Probably, i've chose the wrong person to rant to. And the wrong time. I don't know this will really affect her this much that she thinks that she can't help me at all, and start to worry.

3. Sensitive and paranoid. Well, i don't mind her talking about J and all, cos it really doesn't matter anymore. That's what jillian told her, not me. "Wenli might be sensitive cos you and J same class same clique and see each other everyday."
But no, i don't think so. I trust you, that is why i have a very strong sense of security when i'm with you. Strong sense of security comes from trust, right?

4. I'm dependent i know. But not on anyone, other than my mum. I know that. And right from the start, she was the one who told me that she doesn't need to be taken care of. But yea, which girl doesn't. And that's what you think i need to be taken care of too. I'm already starting to learn to be independent. ):

5. If you think by mentioning deferring, it's a distraction and i'm not working towards my goal. WRONG, all wrong. If i am not looking at my goal and aim into coming polytechnic, i wouldn't be bothered by my current semester. It's because i cared too much about my grades, that's why i would come up with this stupid idea.

6. I'm willing to revert back to my old self.

I missed the old times. I missed the old her too. I didn't know she's so bothered by all these, and i think there's a very big miscommunication breakdown between us. I don't like it when she have the conclusion before i even know what's wrong.
I want a chance to explain myself.
Isn't a new year suppose to be a time for a change, a time for repent, a time for reconcile, and a time to forgive?
I'm willing to change back to who i am, can i have a second chance to prove you wrong?
I'm putting down my ego for the first time to ask you back, because to me, you're really special, and i don't want to live in regret if i don't do anything about it.

And beware, i'm determined this time round, that's what you taught me to.
i want to break through this cold wall in your heart.
And i'm prepared to wait.

I've figured out.
LJ's the only place where i could rant privately.

Away from everyone, even from her.

This is the first time i'm actually doing so much for someone.
Doesn't this already show how much i care
Grr, why do you still have your doubts, i dont understand, i really don't.

m not leaving, and i won't.